It Only Hurts More
by Linoge
Summary: The fic formerly known as 'Reflections'. Chapter 2 is up! R/R please!
1. Sydney

Title: It Only Hurts More

Author: Linoge

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except that which is my own.

Summary: Sydney's thoughts post-The Getaway.

Rating: PG-13 due to light language.

Distribution: E-mail first.

Author's Note: I have a plan for this fic. I have more chapters in my head, but I'll only write them if this chapter is a success (I'm quite sensitive about my work). So PLEASE review! I need it! It's like a drug to me!!!!

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Exhausted, I finally reach my house.It's been a long day, and I just got back from one of the most boring SD-6 meetings ever.In a change of pace, I don't have a mission tomorrow, which is good.I don't think I'm ready to see him yet…

Syd, shut up.Stop doing that to yourself.Just go inside.Maybe take a bath.See what's on TV.Destroy Will at that Football game he thinks he's so good at.Yeah; that'll cheer you up.

"Hello?" I shout into my house as I walk in.Nothing.Just an echo.At least Francie's still working; there's no way I could come up with enough excuses for her today.So I'm alone.Perfect.The one thing in the whole world I don't want to be, I am.Totally alone.

Dammit Syd, stop that!Can't you complete one sentence without thinking about him?Get a grip!

I put my stuff away, get changed, and sit down in front of the TV.TV will help.

"So after 40 minutes, the Kings trail the Islanders, 4-7…" Vaughn.Click.

"Next on the Home Shopping Network, this beautiful, antique frame…" Vaughn.Click.

"Enter now, and you can win a trip to France for a romantic dinner for two…" Vaughn again.Click.

"In recent celebrity news, Anne Heche is gay again…" Alice?!DAMMIT!

I turn off the TV, throw the converter across the room, and resist the urge to kill the TV.I could.But I'd have a lot of explaining to do.I need a drink.A big one.

As I go to my fridge, I see my toaster.That reminds me of my mom…Which rhymes with VAUGHN!DAMMIT!Syd, breathe.You'll make it.Just get really, really drunk.

Of course, we're out of red wine.Makes sense.I think I'll head out.Go get drunk at a sports bar or something.That way, I can forget all about him.And hope my Kings can pull a win out from their asses.God knows they need it.I'll go to one within walking distance.Just in case.

I grab my coat and purse, lock my door, and start to walk.As I walk, my mind wanders.Wanders back to that night in France.Just thinking about that day makes me feel lighter and lighter, as if soon I'll become one with the wind and be whisked away, taken wherever the wind goes.Only then could I be the air that he breathes…

That night was the best night of my life.Until the shooting started.That's when my fantasy ended.Vaughn and I, together at last.Eating dinner together – in public!Sharing a romantic dinner together, talking freely, drinking too much…Coming so close to spending the night with him…Sleeping with Michael Vaughn…What a thought!

I still don't know how I kept my composure as that key was placed on the table.I remember looking into his deep, green eyes as we both pretended to think about what to do.His eyes were so bright right then…For one moment, his love was expressed through is eyes:they said more than either of us could.Then, the phone call.The shooting.Almost getting killed.Damn you, Kane!We were so close!

Then it was time for me to wake up.Once Vaughn told me we had to abort the counter-mission, I realized that my dream would have to stay that way.If SD-6 is to be destroyed, Vaughn and I must stay as only a Handler and his Asset.

It's not fair.God dammit, it's just not fair!I know I don't sound mature right now, but I don't care!Why is it that everyone in my life that I love has to be taken away by SD-6?Can't I be happy, just once?Is that too much to ask?!Just once, I'd like to be in a relationship with a man that I love that isn't terminated by SD-6:the relationship, or the man…

Ouch.Low blow, Syd.At least you're here now:say bye-bye to sobriety.


	2. Vaughn

Title:  It Only Hurts More

Author: Linoge

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except that which is my own.

Summary: Vaughn's thoughts of the same situation.

Rating: PG-13 due to light language.

Distribution: E-mail first.

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews of chapter one!  Hopefully this chapter is just as good (or even better!)

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            "Goddammit Mike, will you cheer up?"  Good ol' Eric.  Always there to not understand.

            "I know how you feel.  Remember when Josie left me?  How sad I was?"

            "Eric, Josie was your dog.  She ran away from home.  I think the situation is a bit different."  I'm not in the mood for his jokes, but I know he's trying to cheer me up.  Maybe it's the booze talking (how much have I had again?), but all his relationship stories seem to be about his pets.  When was the last time he had a girlfriend…

            I was jarred back to reality by the sound of booing.  The Islanders were in town, and they just beat us, 8 – 4.  When'd they score again?  How's the game already over?  Man, I must be gone.

            In a perfect world, I'd be booing with Sydney right now.  We'd be at the game together, having the time of our lives, falling more and more in love…

            "I know you love the Kings, but man, are you taking this loss bad or what?"  Eric.  Trying to be funny.  Again.  I scowl at him.

            "Jeez, just trying to help."  He's got another one of his ideas.  I can see it on his face.

            "You know, Sydney's house isn't that far away…" I may be drunk (I think), but I know where he's going with this.

            "No!  Absolutely not!"  I start to protest.

            "Why not?  Look, Sloane's away for the week, and he's left Sydney's father in charge.  Do you really think Jack would monitor his own daughter?" I give Eric a look.  He hasn't been around for the last little while.

            "I wouldn't put it past him…"

            "Oh, right, the whole almost-killing-her thing."  Good to see Eric has been kept up to date.  Three months is a long time:  stop watching, and you'll be lost…

            Lost.  How I feel right now.  It's like I'm taking a bird's-eye-view of the Universe, and seeing how insignificant I really am.  It wasn't like this in France…

            Ah, France.  Sydney.  Me.  Wine.  Dinner.  For once, I was glad I listened to Eric.  It was like I was in high school all over again.

            God, she looked so beautiful that night.  I don't even know what it was:  everything about her just screamed pure beauty.  I think that maybe it was because we were together:  maybe that did it…

            "Hello?  Earth to Agent Vaughn?  Are you still with us?"  Eric was waving his hand in front of my face.  Trying to be funny.

            "Sorry…I must've spaced out…"

            "Gee, what could you possibly been thinking about?"  Sarcasm doesn't help depression, Eric.  Suddenly, something catches his eye.

            "Wow!  Check out the redhead, ten o'clock!  I'll be right back…"

            Eric?  Hitting on a woman?  He must be drunk.

            "I see that look on your face, Mike.  I just had a near-death experience; I can't waste a single moment.  Wish me luck!"

            He won't need it.  The worst that can happen is that she says no.  Or, depending on what he asks, he could get slapped (or worse).  But he isn't risking death by being seen in public with her.  He could go on a date with her, and not have the night end in heartbreak.

            I wonder if she did set up that room thing.  That look on her face might have suggested so…

            Why did we stall?  I guess because if we didn't, we'd have been killed, possibly while naked.  That would've sucked.  Thanks, Mike:  you killed the romance in that memory…

            Sleeping with Sydney Bristow.  I smirk at the thought.  Probably be better than sleeping with Alice…

            I seemed so much more certain about all this last week.  Once Will told me about how Syd feels, I had no choice.  The breakup with Alice hurt her, I know, but it was inevitable.  No matter how much she wants it, I can never love her.  My heart belongs to Sydney.  She makes me feel like I have a place in the world:  that I'm important.  When I'm with her, the rest of the world melts away, and she's all I see.  Looking into her eyes makes me feel warm; even loved.  Sometimes, I feel like I could get lost in those eyes…how does that song go?  "I'll never love blue eyes again…" I think that was the end of it.

            Anyway, after that incident in France, I don't know if what I'm doing is right.  Maybe we shouldn't be together:  at least until SD-6 is gone.  Then, it's "Screw Protocol!" all the way.  But, until then, what should I do?  Just pretend that I don't love her?  Pretend that I'm not in pain every time I see her, knowing that I can't run up to her and hold her, kiss her, and tell her that I love her?  That's what hurts the most.  I feel like Tantalus:  she's so close, but whenever I reach for her, I fall short.  What if her love doesn't last until SD-6 is destroyed?  Stupid protocol.  Maybe I should give Alice a call…Okay, now I know I'm drunk!

            "Hey Mike, guess what?"  Eric is back.  He looks happy.  Then again, even a corpse looks happy compared to me…

            "Look what I got!"  He turns his face to reveal a large slap mark.  I roll my eyes.

            "What did you say?  On second thought, why are you happy about that?"

            I'm happy 'cause I know this isn't the end of the world!  Remember, near-death experience?  Also, I am a little drunk…"  That explains it.  Great.  Now he's seen something else.

            "Mike:  brunette, three o'clock.  I think she wants you." Humoring him, I look over.  That's Sydney!  How could I have not noticed her before?

            "Has she seen me yet?"

            "I just saw her after getting slapped, but it seems like she's been sulking there all night.  Go to her!"

            "Eric, you know I can't…"

            "Why not?  We've already discussed this.  Daddy will look the other way, even if he is watching.  And you know she won't say no:  you've gone out with her before!  Look, I'm not saying you need to go straight for her bedroom, but it's obvious both of you need each other right now.  Go!"

            Eric is right.  Wait a sec…Eric…is…right?  It's true…strange…

            "You're right," I say, mostly to hear it out loud.

            "Is that disbelief I detect?"  Eric's sarcasm is starting to make me feel better.

            "Yes it is.  But that's not gonna stop me now!"  Slowly, I stand up.  I can still do that.  Good.  Now try walking.  Excellent.  I sit down next to her.

            "Is this seat taken?" I ask, trying to sound sleazy.  Why do I think this will be funny?

            She turns to me with a scowl on her face, as if she was about to hit me.  Once she sees who I am, the harsh coldness on her face melts away, and her face suddenly becomes warm and bright.

            "Vaughn!"  She says, almost in disbelief.

_To be continued…_


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